Just the Way You Are

This is a letter I recently wrote. It is very raw and very real, but I'm sharing it in the hopes that you'll be able to see the what God has been doing in my life. And how, if you just let Him, He will teach you incredible lessons about His will for your life and His bigger picture if you just let go and listen.

You are a lot of things. Friend. Son. Uncle. Student. Musician. Lyricist. Hugger. Encourager. There is one thing you are not, though. Not to me, at least: boyfriend.

It took me long enough to realize it, didn’t it? It’s been almost a year: a year of trying to make you into something that you are not. I so desperately wanted you to fill a specific place in my life. Just like a child trying desperately to solve a jigsaw puzzle, I was trying to alter your curves and edges to fit into the place I thought that you should.

You displayed so many of the necessary characteristics: you were the right color, had three peninsulas and a rounded corner… but your proportions were off, ever so slightly. I could warp the cardboard and shove you temporarily into that place I was scraping to fill, but it was obvious something was not right. Despite my manipulations and best attempts to make you fit, there were still gaps. You were aching to burst free, to find the place where you actually fit.

But what was I supposed to do? Sure, there were hundreds of other puzzle pieces waiting on the sideline, all looking for their place as well. And yes, one of those pieces was the one I was searching for, the one with the exact color, proportions, curves and edges to fit where I needed it. And somewhere inside of me I knew that when I found it the picture would come together beautifully, with none of the gaps or wrinkles left from trying to shove you into that place. However, patience has never been my strong suit. I didn’t want to go through the time and effort to find that piece I needed when I had one that was almost an exact match right in front of me. Almost.

I was missing something, though. As cliché as it may be, I was missing the bigger picture. It never occurred to me that while you wouldn’t fit where I wanted you to fit, you were… you are… still integral to the picture of my life. There is a place in my story where you fit perfectly. A spot only your colors and curves and edges will fulfill. I still need you, just not in the way I once thought I did.

So this is my apology. I am sorry for trying to make you into that one thing you are not. I am sorry for repeatedly trying to shove you into the missing space in my puzzle. I am sorry for bending your cardboard and warping your picture. But, most of all, I am sorry for not realizing your potential to fit perfectly elsewhere in the picture of my life and for not realizing that your unique curves, edges and colors are a beautiful and necessary exactly the way they are.

Peace

There are some words that you just associate with certain things. Peace is one of those words. I automatically associate peace with hippies and Christmas. (What? Laugh all you want, but you know it's the truth.) Peace was not, however, one of those words that I associated with myself.

This is not to say that I have some sort of constant inner turmoil, I've just never really connected myself with "peace." My mind is in a general state of racing, my thoughts are always on the next thing and my worries are often focused on the decisions of tomorrow. But in this season of my life, God is showing me time and time again how, if I just trust Him, the peace of the Holy Spirit can be absolutely overwhelming.

Philippians 4:6-7 has become vitally important and relevant to my life as a post-grad. The words have transcended ink on a page and become a rock to which I cling day after day. I find solace in their meaning and hope in their promise.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

There have been a few situations in my life recently that have plagued my mind: try and try as I might, I could not make a decision, solve a problem, "fix" my life. Eventually, I gave up. I realized that I was not the one in power. They were not my decisions to make, my problems to solve, my life to fix. So I began praying: constantly, fervently, urgently. You would not believe the response. The moment I stopped worrying about these things and turned them over to God and trusted that He had the answers I was looking for an unspeakable peace swept over me. The only thing that mattered was that I had a God who was much bigger than all of my "problems".

But the best part? Within days of giving everything over to God I begin to see Him working in my life. And that peace never leaves me. Decisions are made easy when you know that you've considered them prayerfully and can feel God's hand pointing you in the right direction. And sure, new problems arise and new decisions have to be made, but our God is unfailing. He is greater, stronger, higher than any other.

So now, after months of faithfully living Philippians 4:6-7, I have a new word association. When I hear peace, I think of myself. A twenty-two-year-old girl who is ready to take on the world. A girl who is unfazed by big decisions and unafraid of life changes. A girl who is filled with God and His peace, which truly does transcend all understanding.

By Your Blood

I’ve always been a huge proponent of the phrase “view the world through rose-colored glasses.” I mean, what a great phrase! While it is often used in a negative sense, belittling the person it’s bestowed upon. It paints them as shallow, dense, naive, immature… they have no clue what is really going on in the world, no idea of the bad, the hurt, the pain that exists. I, however, always enjoyed the phrase. I choose to see the person as optimistic and eternal: they know of the bad, the hurt, the pain but they choose to focus on the good, the happy, the beauty. They have the right idea. And I, of course, always pictured the glasses as the stereotypically 70s (or was it 80s?) glasses like those Kate Hudson sports on the infamous cover of Almost Famous, which gives the person in my mind that air of effortlessly cool.

But I’m getting away from my point. I was at my bible study and one of our leaders said, almost in passing, that God sees us through Jesus’ blood. But the statement was not lost on me: it struck the deepest chord in my heart. This God we love and serve and worship, He sees us as perfect and sinless and blameless, as His son Jesus was. Jesus, who’s blood covers all of the bad that we do on a daily basis. And the more I though about it, the more I related it to the figurative “rose-colored glasses”. Every morning, God wakes up (in theory… I’m sure there’s no sleeping on His agenda) and dons His rose-colored glasses, the lenses made up of Jesus’ blood. Those glasses allow Him to see me, you, everyone as perfect, something we all know we are far from. Those glasses enable his faultless grace, his depthless mercy, his endless love. Those glasses allow for the salvation of each and every one of our souls, if we so choose to accept Jesus as our savior and let his blood cover us.

How beautiful is that? I have chills. And, in appreciation, I’m going to try to view my world through rose-colored glasses as often as possible. I know that there is evil, heartbreak and death… but I’m going to make a concerted effort to see the good, healing and life.

Trust You

As I was doing my homework for bible study last night one of the statements struck a chord with me. "Often, the desire to know is in direct opposition to the desire to trust." I read back over and over it countless times, astonished at what I was reading. That one sentence expresses so much of the frustration I have with myself and society in general and explains so much.

I personally find that one of my biggest struggles with my faith is trust. I trust in God. I trust in His will. I trust in His son. I trust in His perfect plan for my life. However, sometimes I negate that trust with my statements. For example: I am the queen of saying things like "I know that God has the perfect husband picked out for me... I just wish I could know who he was, or at least where or when I'll meet him." Now, let's revisit what my bible study said: Often, the desire to know is in direct opposition to the desire to trust. RIGHT?!

So the more I thought about this, the more my eyes were opened. We, as humans, have such a thirst and desire for knowledge. We want to have all of the answers. It's a desire that has been embedded in us since creation. Eve ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil when the serpent told her that it would make her like God: she would know what He knows. (And we all saw how that turned out for her and all of the rest of us.)

However the more I thought about this truth the more evident it became to me that this transcends spirituality. While this desire to know does effect our trust in God, it also effects our trust in people, in events, in everything! Just think about any suspicious person in a relationship: they're willing to "trust" their spouse, but they need to know where they were and what they were doing. Or how we're willing to trust a car to get us somewhere as long as we know how it works and where it was built. Or even something as simple as a recipe: we're willing to trust that all of these ingredients will make a delicious meal if we know what the picture of the result looks like.

I've had enough. I'm frustrated with the fact that "the desire to know is in direct opposition to the desire to trust" is both true and repeatedly evident in my life. So I'm making a change. I'm going to work on living in a blind trust. I will trust friends on their word without needing to know every detail but most of all I will trust God and His plan for my life without asking for hints to how it will all turn away. After all, I never wanted to be the girl who read the last chapter of a book first.

Nothing Short of Thankful

In the whirlwind that has been my last two weeks I have learned my fair share of life lessons: lessons on independence, money management, packing for a move, what you actually need in the event that your power goes out, etc. One of the biggest lessons I've learned, however, is how to live without.

When I first moved into my new digs I was without hot water. Have you taken a freezing cold shower lately (or ever)? I don't recommend it... at all. Then, with the storms from the hurricane I lost power for 14+ hours (which just so happened to co-inside with my cold showers and first day of work). I also find myself existing without the luxury of furniture as mine hasn't been delivered yet due to my tricky work schedule. Air mattresses are really great until they become the only furniture you have, but it still trumps the floor (as I've quickly learned). To add insult to injury I have also decided to opt out of the frivolous expense of cable and internet. As a young twenty-something recently out of college I spend an embarrassing and unnecessary amount of time on the internet doing a whole lot of nothing... and the same goes for mindless TV watching. So I've decided to give living without it a go... partly because I find being free of these modern day "necessities" liberating and partly because I am really, really cheap. So far, so good. (This blog post, in fact, is brought to you by my local Starbucks: both their internet and their caffeine being major contributors.)

I have found myself getting continuously caught up in the mindset of self-pity... it's easy to allow yourself to throw a pity party when you're without nearly everything you've come to rely on daily. I have to keep reminding myself that my situation is only temporary. Next week brings the promise of furniture, my hot water has been restored (hallelujah!) and I can access the internet with a short car trip.

However lately it's been weighing on me just how lucky we are. I've found myself burdened with thoughts of those "starving children in Africa" who would love all of the food I didn't want to eat as a child. I bet they've never had a hot shower. And they surely don't have the luxury of electricity, furniture or internet.

But more importantly, they and most other people around the world don't know the freedom we take for granted, freedom to worship and to live and to work and to wear what we choose to wear. The freedom that was threatened nearly 10 years ago today, an event which many of us have all-too-easily forgotten. And when you consider that priceless freedom, what else even matters?

So with a full heart I've been thanking God for all that I do have and letting all that I don't be a reminder of those less fortunate: I'm sure they'd be overjoyed by my four walls, air conditioning and carpeted floors. And as has happened many times before and will continue to happen for the rest of my days, I find renewed import and urgency in the words of 1 Thessalonians 5:18—

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Friend of God

There are a lot of things that I love about my generation. We are fearless in our faith. We are powerful in our praise. We are brave in our brotherhood. We are wild in our worship. We, as believers, have revolutionized the Christian faith in many ways. One of these ways is our understanding of the idea that it's not about religion, but rather about a relationship, and the urgency to implement that into our daily walk.

Because of how much this idea of relationship has grown we have taken strongly to the concept of God the Friend. However, in sensationalizing this movement in which God calls us "friend" I worry that we have lost sight of God the Father.

It is easy to love your friends. They are fun, they hang out with you, they support you, and you can talk to them about anything. You can tell them anything without fear because they have no authority in your life. Your parents are sometimes harder to love. They are fun, they hang out with you, they support you and you can talk to them about most things. But they have authority over your life. They can punish you. They can implement rules. They can take away privileges.

I think that it is the same with God. We are so into this idea of God the Friend. We carry on a dialogue with Him about everything that is going on. We share our hopes, dreams, aspirations. We expect Him to be fun and to hang out with us and to support us. But we forget about God the Father, and we struggle when hard times set in. Why would He let us suffer? Why would he let us feel pain? Why would he let us feel loneliness, hopelessness, unhappiness?

Perhaps I am generalizing. Maybe this is a personal struggle and nothing more. I know that in my life I am so quick to be buddy-buddy with God. When the going is great He and I are great too. But the second the dark clouds begin to roll in I struggle because I think that God my Friend has forsaken me. I am quick to anger and to feel abandoned and alone. I forget that God my Father has my best interests at heart. He knows what I can handle and what will make me stronger. He knows the obstacles that are necessary in my life to keep me on the correct path. He knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans for hope and a future.

It's God the Father I need to rely on in times of hardships. It's God the Father who will carry me when I can't walk on my own. It's God the Father who will fight off my enemies. It's God the Father who provides unending mercy, grace and love. It's been my aim lately to try to focus on not only thanking God the Friend for opening doors and providing opportunities but also thanking God the Father for closing other doors and keeping things out of reach, knowing it is for my own benefit.

Do you have a healthy balance in your view of God?

I've Got Friends

God’s timing is one of those things that always fascinates and amazes me.

As you may (or may not) know, I am a recent college graduate. As you may also know, as such I have everything figured out. Okay… that’s a lie. But one thing I have figured out that there is no messing with God’s timing.

My final year of college was very different from the three before. In that one year of school I built some of the most sincere, deep, genuine, close and trusting friendships that I’ve ever experienced. God put some really incredible people in my life almost all at once and they completely changed my world. They changed how I thought, how I felt, how I acted, how I loved. These people entered my life and immediately gained my trust and became a support system that I had never known outside of my family. They learned about me, I learned about them. We spent countless hours together and made even more memories.

And then, graduation happened. And all of a sudden I was moved back in at home and none of those friends were with me. And I was confused. Why would God put me in this situation? Why would He fill my life with these people, these boys and girls who had become like family to me, and then yank me out? I didn’t feel ready for real life, much less without these friends I had come to rely on and expect to see regularly. How would I function without their hugs, their advice, their company? But God’s timing is perfect. He knew that I had taken what I needed from them and that it was time for me to go off in the world, seemingly on my own.

It’s like they were my training wheels. They taught me how to live the life that I deserve and want and need. And then, when God saw fit, He took my training wheels off. I’m still in the unsteady phase of riding on my own: the part where I have fear in the pit of my stomach, I feel wobbly on my own two tires, scared that I will fall at any given moment. I still want my training wheels back. But there is one thing that I can be forever grateful for: unlike really learning to ride a bike when my dad eventually let go of the back of the seat, God will never let me go. He will be there, running next to me, holding on to the seat of my bike as I ride through life: never alone.

Bring On the Rain

Today was a big day… today it rained in The Woodlands, Texas. I know what you’re thinking… “big deal, it rained.” But now consider the fact that it has rained twice here all year. Twice. And consider the fact that I am absolutely infatuated with rain and everything that goes along with it: thunder, lightening, dark clouds, naps (okay, that last one might be situational, but still). So now do you see what a big deal this rain was?

Regardless, it was a big deal to me. I was sitting on the couch, watching a movie and I just couldn’t tear my eyes away from the rain out the window. It was such a welcomed sight… I had been longing for rain: the sound it makes, the comfort it brings, the calm it exudes. Before I knew it I was up and walking towards the door. Yes, I am a twenty-two year old college graduate. But without thinking I found myself standing outside, in the pouring rain, looking skyward: eyes, mouth and heart opened.

I’ve always wondered why people say that rain is God crying. I’ve never felt that way about rain. I find it to be such a blessing, something I always look forward to. I’ve been wrestling with the “post-collegiate blues” as they call it and today, standing out in the rain, I was reminded that God is here with me and He would never throw anything my way that I couldn’t handle.

Every raindrop that hit my face was a promise: of hope, of happiness, of healing. And with the rain He washed away my fears and failures. I am His, and in Him I am perfect. It’s something I lose sight of all too often.

“…He has shown you kindness by giving you rain from heaven…” Acts 14:17

Man In the Mirror

I’m at a cusp in life. As Mr. Allen would say, “things are happening.” A lot of things are changing in my life, and with that comes a lot of unknown.

With all of this unknown I’ve found solace in focusing on things I can control. One of the most exciting things about a new phase of life, in my opinion, is the opportunity to change the things about yourself that you’ve found unsatisfactory. When you move to a new place people don’t know you… they don’t know your habits or your fears or your social tendencies. If you were always shy you can be outgoing. If you were a gossip you can keep your tongue in check. If you feared confrontation you can be bold. You can change how you’re perceived.

I’ve always wondered how I portray myself to the world. As a Christian, I know what my life should look like. But do I always succeed in putting my best face forward? Can people look at me and see what I’m living for? Who I’m living for?

I was getting my hair cut last summer when I had an epiphany. I was sitting there, staring in the mirror (it’s either that or staring at the other customers which, I’ve discovered, can get you into trouble). I was looking in the mirror—at the floor in the mirror, at my hair in the mirror, at the art on the wall in the mirror—when I realized something: you can’t look at a mirror. You can look at things in a mirror but you can’t actually look at a mirror. If you try and recall a mirror you can think of the frame and when you think of the mirror itself you will undoubtedly imagine what is reflected in it’s surface: the bathroom wall, the bedroom behind it, your face in it. A mirror’s sole purpose is to reflect, and it is good at it.

Then I had this thought: what if every Christian sought to be a mirror. To be reflective of God and all that He is. What if you looked at me, Aimee Belcher, and couldn’t see me, but only God in me?

It’s a beautiful concept, one I’ve been thinking about for a while now. We are called to live a life acceptable to God: to be a picture of our maker. So imagine if we each started to live with the intention of being reflective. If our one goal was to emulate God as much as possible with our human flaws, enough to be a reflection of His mercy, His grace, His compassion and His love. Think of the difference it could make. Think of the beauty we could create. Think of the lives we could change. All of that by simply being reflective.

Father of Mine

I haven't written a blog post in quite sometime. It's not for lack of wanting either... I wanted to write. And, even more than that, my dad wanted me to write. He continually asks me if I've lost my faith and that's why I don't write anymore (he's joking, of course). It was so strange though... I had plenty of ideas, I even had entire posts written out in my journal. It just felt wrong though. On a few occasions I even logged on and stared at the screen, but something was off. I don't like to post just to say something, so I didn't. Hence, my absence. Now I've got it though, and it feels nothing but right. (And yes, it is 2:00am but don't worry, I'm off of work tomorrow.)

Have you ever had to do something that you just really didn't want to do? To act like you care about something you'd rather have nothing to do with? I'll be the first to tell you that I'm not very good at that type of thing. I am, however, pretty excellent at not doing things. I just cannot fathom doing something I don't like. But, for the sake of this post, try to wrap your head around it for a second. Imagine waking up, and going do a job that you just didn't enjoy. Now imagine doing it for a week. A month. A year. Tired of it yet? I would have quit 364 days ago.

23 years. For 23 years (this is an estimate, based on the age of my older brother), my dad (more commonly known as Butch) has been doing things he doesn't enjoy, day in and day out. Why? I can give you four reasons. Ellen, Travis, Aimee and Drew. A lot of people don't like to work. I'd easily put myself in that number. Not Butch. I think he's a worker. But the thing about Butch is he is not a member of his job's fan club. He does not like it. He does not enjoy it. He is not fulfilled by it. Yet, he does it. Every. Single. Day.

For as long as I can remember, Butch would get home from work and I'd say "how was work?" and the response has always been the same: "sucked." I used to think it's funny. I used to think it was a joke. Then I grew up: now I think that one word beautifully sums up every sacrifice my dad makes for our family.

Butch is a dreamer, you know. We all know he loves motorcycles and dirt bikes; his "toys" as it were. He's always talked about retiring and opening up a parts shop in the hills of Alabama. We all know he loves the Civil War. A lot. He wants to open an online bookstore, even. One summer Butch hired me to organize his filing system. In one folder I found a sheet from a yellow legal pad, written on in red ink: very Butch. It was a list of goals. Things like going to college again, taking history classes, maybe becoming a professor. Things Butch talks about to this day. The date on the paper, though? 1995.

1995.

My dad has been putting off his dreams for fifteen years in order to make the dreams of my mother, brothers and I come alive. Fifteen years! And the best part? He doesn't resent us for it. Not. One. Bit. That man is a lover. He is a hugger, and he is a lover. And if he loves anyone, it's his wife. And then it's his kids. Hang out with him for a day... you'll see.

So you know, here's how I see it. Butch is definitely human. He gets angry, he gets sunburned, and he gets beer in his belly. He sins. We all do. But, in my personal opinion, I could not choose any other man on the face of this planet who more accurately depicts God: the sacrifice, the unconditional love, the mercy. The more I think of it, the more obvious it is. Especially as I watch one of my best friends lose her father's presence in her life. And now I see why I couldn't write a blog for Butch... I had to write a blog about Butch.

A father's love. I'm drowning in it. God's love. Butch's love. It's all perfect.

Stand Up

Spring has hit. In a nutshell, this means I have been doing a lot of driving around, windows down, music blaring. My CD of choice this week is Everyday Sunday's debut album which features the song Stand Up. The chorus gets me every time:

I will stand up now, I will not step down. I will do my best to wear this crown.

We have been called to take a stand for our faith. We have been called to reach out to people and share our faith. It seems so simple, right? Then what is stopping us? I think it's fear. Fear of rejection, maybe. Fear of being judged. Fear of people not liking what we have to say.

But rather than fear stopping us, it is fear that should be driving us. Fear of people not knowing our God. Fear of people never hearing the Truth. Fear of people not getting into heaven.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord..." 2 Timothy 1: 7-8

Curious

I get to points in my life where I sort of fear this blog. I try to treat it as a vessel for the things untold in life and I get worried. What if I don't have anything good enough to say? What if my words don't matter? What if I am inadequate?

Is it possible to have writer's block if I'm not a writer? Or does the fact that I have things to say and I sometimes publish them in some form or another make me a writer?

I am in my head. I am always in my head. I don't write things in journals because they are better in my mind. I have journals, but the entries are few and far between.

I think everything through. I observe all of the little details. I analyze people's actions and words. I ask questions. When I study with one of my friends she gets frustrated because I ask questions that don't matter, questions of things that we are not being held responsible for. But I want to know. I need to know. I crave to know.

I think that is my point here. Curiosity. God made this unbelievable world for us to live in. It is full of beauty and mystery and complexity. Do you ever wonder why? I do. Daily. I haven't figured it out, obviously, but I have my theories.

He made it so that we could be in awe, of His power and His ingenuity. He made it so that we would need faith, to trust that things will grow and people will live. He made it so that we would think, about how things work and why they exist.

My biology professor often refers to unexpected things in the body as "bad engineering." It makes me question if he believes. Do his questions about why the body was constructed the way it was prevent him from having that child-like faith? It does the opposite for me.

Because if I didn't have all of these questions but instead had all of the answers, why would I believe?

In Your Eyes

I am going to go out on a limb here and state that I often feel Valentine's day is an overly commercialized holiday. That being said, I love it. I love to see people in love and if for some reason this random day in February gives them an excuse to be all wrapped up in each other, go for it. My favorite part is the cards. Some make me want to vomit due to their sheer cheesy-ness, others make me warm and fuzzy inside and some are just plain hilarious.

Every year my mom and dad make a point to give my brothers and I Valentine's day cards. Though I opened the candy ahead of time, I actually managed to save my card for the actual day this year. I was (pleasantly) surprised at what I read.

There, at the bottom of the card, was the greatest thing I've ever been told: We are proud of who you are.

Whoever claimed that Hallmark says it best has clearly never met Butch and Ellen Belcher. This seemingly simple statement really got me thinking. How many of my younger years did I spend trying to be someone else? Trying to shed a few pounds, change my hair, buy trendy clothes. More than physical appearance, I will admit to having adopted the thoughts and opinions of others to fit in or be "cool." Somewhere in the transition from high school to college I really began to become comfortable in my faith and, through that, I found comfort in my own skin. I began to express my own thoughts and opinions and style and I found that I was accepted. (Gasp!) More than that, I was commended. People liked what I had to say. I found new meaning in songs like Bethany Dillon's "Beautiful" and Jonny Diaz's "More Beautiful You" and Livingstones' "Be Yourself."

I want to encourage you. Wherever you are in your life, whoever you've become, whatever you believe. Don't be afraid to be yourself because someone, somewhere will find beauty in your style and your thoughts and you as a person. Someone will be proud of who you are. And in your moments of doubt always remember... you are perfect in God's eyes and, let's be honest... His is the only opinion that matters.

Listen

For a lot of my life I've longed to hear God. I wanted a story like Abraham, Noah, the Virgin Mary... I wanted a booming voice to come out of the clouds and speak to me. I wanted an angel of God to appear to me with a specific message. I guess I didn't necessarily want to be told to build an ark or that I was going to birth the son of God, but I just wanted something. Maybe I wanted proof... proof He is real but mostly proof that He cares about ME. Selfish, right? But I think that if we look deep inside, it's a desire we've all faced at some point or another. At least I hope I'm not the only one.

This has changed lately. I won't say that the desire to hear Him has disappeared, but I've realized that He has been speaking to me. Often. I'm just too dense to shut up and listen. He's sending me messages all of the time; through friends, music, movies. He's all around me.

And the best part of it is He knows what I need to hear. While our ultimate goal is to live for the Kingdom and things greater than this earth, we all have worldly needs and desires. I will be the first to admit that there are some days when I need someone to tell me they love me. I need to hear someone say they think I'm pretty. I need a compliment on my thoughts and personality. God, being who He is, knows this. He understands my mortal desires and He is the first one to respond. He will play the right song at just the right moment to let me know that He's here and He thinks I'm beautiful. He'll speak through a friend on a long road trip to tell me I'm wise. Me? Wise? Doubtful, but it encourages me and spurs me on to keep doing what I'm doing. He even uses what I think are ridiculous plots I've cooked up and turns them back around and uses them to compliment me in the most special and humbling ways possible.

The good news? It's not just me. There is nothing I've said or done to get God to speak to me. He's speaking to all of us in ways specific to our wants and needs. All you have to do is stop and listen. Trust me, you'll find Him where you least expect it.

All My People

I'm back on the topic of Passion. It's been a few weeks and I still can't wrap my head around everything that was said, done and given. However, I can sit here and tell you that I learned something about myself that I can honestly say I never realized before. I guess all of the signs were there and I had tip-toed around the edge of discovering it, but He showed me.

God has given me a heart for people. His people. And at Passion he broke it.

Broken. Shattered? I'm not really sure but it was a feeling I haven't ever felt. The whole premise of Passion is pairing worship with justice. They have partner organizations and at the beginning of the event they announced specific goals for each cause. In total, they wanted to raise $500,000. Excuse me? $500,000? Did they realize they were talking to a bunch of "poor college kids"? No way. No way!

I went to the Do Something Now center, where you could get up close and personal with each cause and learn more fully about who they are and what they aim to do. So I funded the translation of a bible verse. That's good, right? $25? After all, I have no money. My savings account has been hanging out below the two dollar mark for much longer than I'd care to admit. So I gave some of my Christmas money. I was feeling pretty good about that... I mean this money was meant for a new camera and here I was giving $25 of it away. I should be commended!

Then something happened. I got to the Hope International station. They were trying to raise money for small business loans for women in Haiti. A staggering number of these women live on less than $1 a day. $1 a day. I'm sure my savings account balance looks pretty hefty to them! And these women have the ideas and heart to start a business to support their families, but they don't have the means. Loans are something we Americans take for granted. So I stood and watched a video and that's when it happened.

Heart? Broken.

I had to buy one. I had to give money for a loan. But I walked away. Why? Couldn't tell you. I was using logic and reason. I don't have the money! I'm supposed to buy a camera! I am going back to school! Savings account = hungry! You know what, though? God transcends logic. He transcends reason. So guess where I found myself by the end of the next day? Standing on a metal pail hanging up a stub stamped "PAID" with my signature on it. I have never felt so proud or significant in my life. I was giving someone the means. I felt so blessed to be able to give my money to such a beautiful cause, to such beautiful women.

Guess what? End of day four, about to leave Atlanta... I was back at that station, buying another loan. Literally spending all of the money I had been given and earned. I didn't care. I couldn't resist. I had to. I didn't need that money, but they do.

Then I came home and before I could even get comfortable, Haiti was struck by tragedy. Homes, lost. Families, lost. Jobs, lost. But you know what remains? God. And with him comes Hope. And I can proudly say that I funded a small tid-bit of that Hope. God did such a beautiful and heroic thing in my heart that I will never fully be able to express. Something I never deserved.

My heart was broken, and hopefully, in that, a beautiful Haitian woman's will be healed.

Click here to see the totals raised on our four day venture. Then tell me you don't believe.

Speechless

I attended Passion 2010 from January 2nd until January 5th. All I could really think about was how badly I wanted to get home and write all about it. It is currently after midnight on January 7th. I have tried to put into words all that I heard, learned, processed. But I can't.

I have no words.

It's amazing that the one who gives me words to speak can so easily take them from me. He has left me speechless. Speechless at His power. Speechless at His grace. Speechless at His glory. Speechless at His healing.

I have chills even thinking back on it. My heart was broken. My pride was diminished. My world was rocked. And yet I can put nothing into words. Luckily I wrote things down in a journal so as I continue to process and learn and dig, I'll be able to share it with you all.

There are two things I can tell you for certain, and they are that I am changed and I am praying for each and every one of you. I pray that you're finding happiness in God our Father and that you'll find the hope that only He can provide.

I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas

I love Christmas. I love birthdays and I love Jesus so obvi I love Jesus' birthday. Also, I love Christmas music. Like... I really, really, really love Christmas music. My friend Mandy and I tend to listen to it starting in June, if not all year round. So, not surprisingly, I was jamming out to one of my personal favorite Christmas albums (*NSYNC Home for Christmas) when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why are so many Christmas songs about love? God's love is one thing, but these songs are about human love. I know that love is in the air and all of that stuff but when did that become the focus of the season?

Here is a prime lyrical example: "I never knew the meaning of Christmas, 'til I looked into your eyes." Really? Really JC Chasez and Justin Timberlake? You never knew the meaning of Christmas until you looked into her eyes? Who was she, JESUS? I think not, seeing as he died for YOUR sins on a wooden cross approximately 1,998 years before you released that song. So chances are you didn't look into His eyes and discover the meaning of Christmas. Which leads me to my next point...

What exactly do you people thing the meaning of Christmas is?!? I'm guessing if you found it by looking into some unsuspecting lady's eyes you're not correct in your assumptions. It's true that the meaning of Christmas may differ a little bit for everyone and hold different memories and sentimental value, but I want to start a revolution.

When God sent his one and only begotten son to be born to a virgin in a manger on December 25 he started a revolution. One little revolution. That revolution has been snowballing for 2009 (or so) years. I am lucky enough to have been called to be a part of it. If you are a believer, you've been called too. If you're not then this is your chance. Do something. Make a change. The cool thing is the foundation has been laid. Jesus Christ was already born and already died for our sins. That is a lot of love. That is the reason for the giant celebration that is Christmas. We were given the greatest gift of all, presented as a tiny baby boy. Every year we give gifts and spread the love but are people really getting it? Do they understand why we have all of these traditions in the first place?

I'm not asking for a lot here, folks. I'm asking for one statement. One tiny testament of your faith. As you're walking to class with a friend or chatting it up around the water cooler and someone starts talking about Christmas, that's your moment. Throw out your line. All you have to say is "I love Christmas, it's so wonderful to celebrate the gift of life given to me through Jesus." Or you could go with something more subtle... maybe "Thank goodness for that Inn keeper." You could be witty: "Thank heavens for the gift of heaven." Maybe a little street slang: "Jesus is my homeboy." Whatever you want to say people, just do it. It won't be hard... face it, someone is going to bring up Christmas. You don't have to work for it.

One statement. Easy as pie. Actually, pie could be another seguay... "I love apple pie... remember when Eve ate that apple? Good thing Jesus was born on Christmas and then died for our sins." Be the reminder for everyone else out there. Now, go make some conversation!

Thank You

Within the last few weeks I've implemented this new thing in my life that I'm calling "Operation Appreciation." It started out as a just a little way to thank a couple of people. There was a lot of buzz around All Saints Day talking about thinking of the people who have influenced and impacted your life as a Christian the most and how, often times, they wouldn't know it. That is such a shame to me. Sometimes there are cases when you can't thank the person, as they are not someone who is in your life. I know a lot of bands and musicians have greatly changed me and I am saddened to know they can't hear it from me. That's not what I'm talking about, though. I know for me, there are people in my life who I maybe haven't spoken to in months or even years yet they are the ones I need to thank. So I'm doing it.

I've started via Facebook message. Kind of lame, I know, but it is the quickest way for me to get to some of these people. And in actuality, it doesn't matter how you go about thanking them so long as you do it. Rather than thanking everyone all at once I've been conquering one or two at a time. This gives me time to fully appreciate just how much these people have done for me. Some of them have truly poured all of themselves and then some into my life and for that I am eternally grateful. Others have done one seemingly small thing, but it has rippled into a much bigger and more significant change and to those people I am equally thankful.

I recommend you all try and thank at least one person who might not know all that they have done for you. I can tell you with complete honesty that this experience has been bigger than I ever anticipated. I set out to give thanks with nothing in return, just to let these people know they are loved and thought of and appreciated, but what I have received in return has left me speechless. I am so humbled and fulfilled and so undeserving of some of the things they've said to me in response.

I can not even begin to explain how much God is using this in my life, especially right now. I truly hope and pray you'll give it a shot. Also, a huge thank you to anyone and everyone who reads my posts. I truly believe that God has blessed me with the ability to write and, in that, tell people a little sliver of the amazing things He is teaching me every single day. I love you all so much and I pray for you often.

Special Gift

In my small group this semester we are studying the book of Ephesians. You may be thinking "shoot, Ephesians isn't that long... they're spending the whole semester on that?" Well, my friends, you're going to want to take another look at that book! There are so many hidden gems in it and you will be sure to learn something new every time you read through it. Through our study I have been convicted of many things, especially blogging.

Paul was a really cool guy, obvi. He said a lot of really awesome things too and he TOTALLY knew what was up with his gift of ministry. He says "I became a servant of this gospel by the gift of God's grace given me through the working of his power." (Eph. 3:7) He knows full and well that his ability to minister is a God-given gift. I have come to realize that my ability to write and convey thoughts and ideas that connect to so many people is one of my spiritual gifts. While I may not be the person to run up to a stranger and start talking about God and his gift of his son Jesus to cleanse us and save us, I can blog with the best of them. Interestingly enough, my blogging has given me more conversational confidence as well. But that is not the point. I know that blogging is a gift. This is the part that gets me...

"Surely you have heard about the administration of God's grace that was given to me for you..." —Ephesians 3:2

Given to me for you... to ME for YOU. This gift of writing I've been given is not mine to keep. Though it helps me work things out in my mind, I'm not writing these things for me. I'm writing them for you. It's God's gift to you, through me.

... that being said, I'm going to make a really concerted effort to blog things as soon as I get an idea, as soon as God gives me a revelation of sorts. Check back often!

Appreciation and the Bomb

I've heard the verse my whole life... I think most people raised in the church have. "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thess. 5:18) It's one of those I always heard but never A. seriously contemplated or B. did anything about. It was just there. Then, God took it upon himself to do something about it. He's good like that.

As you may or may not know I'm a fan of this bomb band called Honor Society. Please, check them out. As it turns out, a lot of their fan base includes Jonas Brothers fans, because Honor Society opened for them on tour this summer. I had myself convinced that, since they are older and their lyrics are more mature that must be aggravating. Obviously they would want an older fan base, more like their peers and college aged folks, right? I would tell myself that clearly they are trying to make it and will take whatever opportunities are presented but, really? They have to be at least a little frustrated behind the scenes, don't they?

That's about the time when God knocked me upside the head and told me what was up. First of all, who the heck am I to analyze their fame? Secondly, they treat their fans with the utmost love and respect and appreciation. They are a picture of grace. They are completely humble. They get it. I don't. Or at least I didn't, I'm hoping I am beginning to. Let me break it down. God has this huge, all encompassing will and you and I alike are in it. Our goal in life is to try and live a life so full of faith and dedication to the Father that we can discern His will for us. I knew that much. I am pretty sure I have even figured out small parts of what God's plan for me entails. But that is where it got fuzzy. You see, we don't get to choose how we get from point A to point B. It could be the way we imagine it. It could involve a lot of detours. It could be the path never taken, or it could be the path everyone else seems to be on. The boys of Honor Society are clearly called to be musicians (and they are quite remarkable, if I do say so myself). However, whether they wanted it or not (which is definitely not to be determined by me, anyway) God decided they would get their break touring with the Jonas Brothers and, thus, have a generally young fan base. Obviously they have older fans as well (oh hey, it's me!) it just seems like a pretty big chunk are what I like to call JoBro converts.

...you know what though? They are making it. They are on an uphill climb and I'm hoping the mountain is way bigger than they have been hoping or dreaming. They deserve it. And, whether they know it or not, they're pretty fantastic professors of grace and humility. Bravo, fellas.