Just the Way You Are

This is a letter I recently wrote. It is very raw and very real, but I'm sharing it in the hopes that you'll be able to see the what God has been doing in my life. And how, if you just let Him, He will teach you incredible lessons about His will for your life and His bigger picture if you just let go and listen.

You are a lot of things. Friend. Son. Uncle. Student. Musician. Lyricist. Hugger. Encourager. There is one thing you are not, though. Not to me, at least: boyfriend.

It took me long enough to realize it, didn’t it? It’s been almost a year: a year of trying to make you into something that you are not. I so desperately wanted you to fill a specific place in my life. Just like a child trying desperately to solve a jigsaw puzzle, I was trying to alter your curves and edges to fit into the place I thought that you should.

You displayed so many of the necessary characteristics: you were the right color, had three peninsulas and a rounded corner… but your proportions were off, ever so slightly. I could warp the cardboard and shove you temporarily into that place I was scraping to fill, but it was obvious something was not right. Despite my manipulations and best attempts to make you fit, there were still gaps. You were aching to burst free, to find the place where you actually fit.

But what was I supposed to do? Sure, there were hundreds of other puzzle pieces waiting on the sideline, all looking for their place as well. And yes, one of those pieces was the one I was searching for, the one with the exact color, proportions, curves and edges to fit where I needed it. And somewhere inside of me I knew that when I found it the picture would come together beautifully, with none of the gaps or wrinkles left from trying to shove you into that place. However, patience has never been my strong suit. I didn’t want to go through the time and effort to find that piece I needed when I had one that was almost an exact match right in front of me. Almost.

I was missing something, though. As cliché as it may be, I was missing the bigger picture. It never occurred to me that while you wouldn’t fit where I wanted you to fit, you were… you are… still integral to the picture of my life. There is a place in my story where you fit perfectly. A spot only your colors and curves and edges will fulfill. I still need you, just not in the way I once thought I did.

So this is my apology. I am sorry for trying to make you into that one thing you are not. I am sorry for repeatedly trying to shove you into the missing space in my puzzle. I am sorry for bending your cardboard and warping your picture. But, most of all, I am sorry for not realizing your potential to fit perfectly elsewhere in the picture of my life and for not realizing that your unique curves, edges and colors are a beautiful and necessary exactly the way they are.

All My People

I'm back on the topic of Passion. It's been a few weeks and I still can't wrap my head around everything that was said, done and given. However, I can sit here and tell you that I learned something about myself that I can honestly say I never realized before. I guess all of the signs were there and I had tip-toed around the edge of discovering it, but He showed me.

God has given me a heart for people. His people. And at Passion he broke it.

Broken. Shattered? I'm not really sure but it was a feeling I haven't ever felt. The whole premise of Passion is pairing worship with justice. They have partner organizations and at the beginning of the event they announced specific goals for each cause. In total, they wanted to raise $500,000. Excuse me? $500,000? Did they realize they were talking to a bunch of "poor college kids"? No way. No way!

I went to the Do Something Now center, where you could get up close and personal with each cause and learn more fully about who they are and what they aim to do. So I funded the translation of a bible verse. That's good, right? $25? After all, I have no money. My savings account has been hanging out below the two dollar mark for much longer than I'd care to admit. So I gave some of my Christmas money. I was feeling pretty good about that... I mean this money was meant for a new camera and here I was giving $25 of it away. I should be commended!

Then something happened. I got to the Hope International station. They were trying to raise money for small business loans for women in Haiti. A staggering number of these women live on less than $1 a day. $1 a day. I'm sure my savings account balance looks pretty hefty to them! And these women have the ideas and heart to start a business to support their families, but they don't have the means. Loans are something we Americans take for granted. So I stood and watched a video and that's when it happened.

Heart? Broken.

I had to buy one. I had to give money for a loan. But I walked away. Why? Couldn't tell you. I was using logic and reason. I don't have the money! I'm supposed to buy a camera! I am going back to school! Savings account = hungry! You know what, though? God transcends logic. He transcends reason. So guess where I found myself by the end of the next day? Standing on a metal pail hanging up a stub stamped "PAID" with my signature on it. I have never felt so proud or significant in my life. I was giving someone the means. I felt so blessed to be able to give my money to such a beautiful cause, to such beautiful women.

Guess what? End of day four, about to leave Atlanta... I was back at that station, buying another loan. Literally spending all of the money I had been given and earned. I didn't care. I couldn't resist. I had to. I didn't need that money, but they do.

Then I came home and before I could even get comfortable, Haiti was struck by tragedy. Homes, lost. Families, lost. Jobs, lost. But you know what remains? God. And with him comes Hope. And I can proudly say that I funded a small tid-bit of that Hope. God did such a beautiful and heroic thing in my heart that I will never fully be able to express. Something I never deserved.

My heart was broken, and hopefully, in that, a beautiful Haitian woman's will be healed.

Click here to see the totals raised on our four day venture. Then tell me you don't believe.

Appreciation and the Bomb

I've heard the verse my whole life... I think most people raised in the church have. "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thess. 5:18) It's one of those I always heard but never A. seriously contemplated or B. did anything about. It was just there. Then, God took it upon himself to do something about it. He's good like that.

As you may or may not know I'm a fan of this bomb band called Honor Society. Please, check them out. As it turns out, a lot of their fan base includes Jonas Brothers fans, because Honor Society opened for them on tour this summer. I had myself convinced that, since they are older and their lyrics are more mature that must be aggravating. Obviously they would want an older fan base, more like their peers and college aged folks, right? I would tell myself that clearly they are trying to make it and will take whatever opportunities are presented but, really? They have to be at least a little frustrated behind the scenes, don't they?

That's about the time when God knocked me upside the head and told me what was up. First of all, who the heck am I to analyze their fame? Secondly, they treat their fans with the utmost love and respect and appreciation. They are a picture of grace. They are completely humble. They get it. I don't. Or at least I didn't, I'm hoping I am beginning to. Let me break it down. God has this huge, all encompassing will and you and I alike are in it. Our goal in life is to try and live a life so full of faith and dedication to the Father that we can discern His will for us. I knew that much. I am pretty sure I have even figured out small parts of what God's plan for me entails. But that is where it got fuzzy. You see, we don't get to choose how we get from point A to point B. It could be the way we imagine it. It could involve a lot of detours. It could be the path never taken, or it could be the path everyone else seems to be on. The boys of Honor Society are clearly called to be musicians (and they are quite remarkable, if I do say so myself). However, whether they wanted it or not (which is definitely not to be determined by me, anyway) God decided they would get their break touring with the Jonas Brothers and, thus, have a generally young fan base. Obviously they have older fans as well (oh hey, it's me!) it just seems like a pretty big chunk are what I like to call JoBro converts.

...you know what though? They are making it. They are on an uphill climb and I'm hoping the mountain is way bigger than they have been hoping or dreaming. They deserve it. And, whether they know it or not, they're pretty fantastic professors of grace and humility. Bravo, fellas.