Curious

I get to points in my life where I sort of fear this blog. I try to treat it as a vessel for the things untold in life and I get worried. What if I don't have anything good enough to say? What if my words don't matter? What if I am inadequate?

Is it possible to have writer's block if I'm not a writer? Or does the fact that I have things to say and I sometimes publish them in some form or another make me a writer?

I am in my head. I am always in my head. I don't write things in journals because they are better in my mind. I have journals, but the entries are few and far between.

I think everything through. I observe all of the little details. I analyze people's actions and words. I ask questions. When I study with one of my friends she gets frustrated because I ask questions that don't matter, questions of things that we are not being held responsible for. But I want to know. I need to know. I crave to know.

I think that is my point here. Curiosity. God made this unbelievable world for us to live in. It is full of beauty and mystery and complexity. Do you ever wonder why? I do. Daily. I haven't figured it out, obviously, but I have my theories.

He made it so that we could be in awe, of His power and His ingenuity. He made it so that we would need faith, to trust that things will grow and people will live. He made it so that we would think, about how things work and why they exist.

My biology professor often refers to unexpected things in the body as "bad engineering." It makes me question if he believes. Do his questions about why the body was constructed the way it was prevent him from having that child-like faith? It does the opposite for me.

Because if I didn't have all of these questions but instead had all of the answers, why would I believe?

In Your Eyes

I am going to go out on a limb here and state that I often feel Valentine's day is an overly commercialized holiday. That being said, I love it. I love to see people in love and if for some reason this random day in February gives them an excuse to be all wrapped up in each other, go for it. My favorite part is the cards. Some make me want to vomit due to their sheer cheesy-ness, others make me warm and fuzzy inside and some are just plain hilarious.

Every year my mom and dad make a point to give my brothers and I Valentine's day cards. Though I opened the candy ahead of time, I actually managed to save my card for the actual day this year. I was (pleasantly) surprised at what I read.

There, at the bottom of the card, was the greatest thing I've ever been told: We are proud of who you are.

Whoever claimed that Hallmark says it best has clearly never met Butch and Ellen Belcher. This seemingly simple statement really got me thinking. How many of my younger years did I spend trying to be someone else? Trying to shed a few pounds, change my hair, buy trendy clothes. More than physical appearance, I will admit to having adopted the thoughts and opinions of others to fit in or be "cool." Somewhere in the transition from high school to college I really began to become comfortable in my faith and, through that, I found comfort in my own skin. I began to express my own thoughts and opinions and style and I found that I was accepted. (Gasp!) More than that, I was commended. People liked what I had to say. I found new meaning in songs like Bethany Dillon's "Beautiful" and Jonny Diaz's "More Beautiful You" and Livingstones' "Be Yourself."

I want to encourage you. Wherever you are in your life, whoever you've become, whatever you believe. Don't be afraid to be yourself because someone, somewhere will find beauty in your style and your thoughts and you as a person. Someone will be proud of who you are. And in your moments of doubt always remember... you are perfect in God's eyes and, let's be honest... His is the only opinion that matters.

Listen

For a lot of my life I've longed to hear God. I wanted a story like Abraham, Noah, the Virgin Mary... I wanted a booming voice to come out of the clouds and speak to me. I wanted an angel of God to appear to me with a specific message. I guess I didn't necessarily want to be told to build an ark or that I was going to birth the son of God, but I just wanted something. Maybe I wanted proof... proof He is real but mostly proof that He cares about ME. Selfish, right? But I think that if we look deep inside, it's a desire we've all faced at some point or another. At least I hope I'm not the only one.

This has changed lately. I won't say that the desire to hear Him has disappeared, but I've realized that He has been speaking to me. Often. I'm just too dense to shut up and listen. He's sending me messages all of the time; through friends, music, movies. He's all around me.

And the best part of it is He knows what I need to hear. While our ultimate goal is to live for the Kingdom and things greater than this earth, we all have worldly needs and desires. I will be the first to admit that there are some days when I need someone to tell me they love me. I need to hear someone say they think I'm pretty. I need a compliment on my thoughts and personality. God, being who He is, knows this. He understands my mortal desires and He is the first one to respond. He will play the right song at just the right moment to let me know that He's here and He thinks I'm beautiful. He'll speak through a friend on a long road trip to tell me I'm wise. Me? Wise? Doubtful, but it encourages me and spurs me on to keep doing what I'm doing. He even uses what I think are ridiculous plots I've cooked up and turns them back around and uses them to compliment me in the most special and humbling ways possible.

The good news? It's not just me. There is nothing I've said or done to get God to speak to me. He's speaking to all of us in ways specific to our wants and needs. All you have to do is stop and listen. Trust me, you'll find Him where you least expect it.

All My People

I'm back on the topic of Passion. It's been a few weeks and I still can't wrap my head around everything that was said, done and given. However, I can sit here and tell you that I learned something about myself that I can honestly say I never realized before. I guess all of the signs were there and I had tip-toed around the edge of discovering it, but He showed me.

God has given me a heart for people. His people. And at Passion he broke it.

Broken. Shattered? I'm not really sure but it was a feeling I haven't ever felt. The whole premise of Passion is pairing worship with justice. They have partner organizations and at the beginning of the event they announced specific goals for each cause. In total, they wanted to raise $500,000. Excuse me? $500,000? Did they realize they were talking to a bunch of "poor college kids"? No way. No way!

I went to the Do Something Now center, where you could get up close and personal with each cause and learn more fully about who they are and what they aim to do. So I funded the translation of a bible verse. That's good, right? $25? After all, I have no money. My savings account has been hanging out below the two dollar mark for much longer than I'd care to admit. So I gave some of my Christmas money. I was feeling pretty good about that... I mean this money was meant for a new camera and here I was giving $25 of it away. I should be commended!

Then something happened. I got to the Hope International station. They were trying to raise money for small business loans for women in Haiti. A staggering number of these women live on less than $1 a day. $1 a day. I'm sure my savings account balance looks pretty hefty to them! And these women have the ideas and heart to start a business to support their families, but they don't have the means. Loans are something we Americans take for granted. So I stood and watched a video and that's when it happened.

Heart? Broken.

I had to buy one. I had to give money for a loan. But I walked away. Why? Couldn't tell you. I was using logic and reason. I don't have the money! I'm supposed to buy a camera! I am going back to school! Savings account = hungry! You know what, though? God transcends logic. He transcends reason. So guess where I found myself by the end of the next day? Standing on a metal pail hanging up a stub stamped "PAID" with my signature on it. I have never felt so proud or significant in my life. I was giving someone the means. I felt so blessed to be able to give my money to such a beautiful cause, to such beautiful women.

Guess what? End of day four, about to leave Atlanta... I was back at that station, buying another loan. Literally spending all of the money I had been given and earned. I didn't care. I couldn't resist. I had to. I didn't need that money, but they do.

Then I came home and before I could even get comfortable, Haiti was struck by tragedy. Homes, lost. Families, lost. Jobs, lost. But you know what remains? God. And with him comes Hope. And I can proudly say that I funded a small tid-bit of that Hope. God did such a beautiful and heroic thing in my heart that I will never fully be able to express. Something I never deserved.

My heart was broken, and hopefully, in that, a beautiful Haitian woman's will be healed.

Click here to see the totals raised on our four day venture. Then tell me you don't believe.

Speechless

I attended Passion 2010 from January 2nd until January 5th. All I could really think about was how badly I wanted to get home and write all about it. It is currently after midnight on January 7th. I have tried to put into words all that I heard, learned, processed. But I can't.

I have no words.

It's amazing that the one who gives me words to speak can so easily take them from me. He has left me speechless. Speechless at His power. Speechless at His grace. Speechless at His glory. Speechless at His healing.

I have chills even thinking back on it. My heart was broken. My pride was diminished. My world was rocked. And yet I can put nothing into words. Luckily I wrote things down in a journal so as I continue to process and learn and dig, I'll be able to share it with you all.

There are two things I can tell you for certain, and they are that I am changed and I am praying for each and every one of you. I pray that you're finding happiness in God our Father and that you'll find the hope that only He can provide.

Gift of a Friend

This fall has been really different from any other season of my life, and I've been presented with some really cool experiences. Just over a year and a half ago (I think) my friend Lauren told me about this up-and-coming band, Honor Society. You may remember my blog post about them. I was able to see them for the first time (and three subsequent times, but who's counting?) this fall. As a little added bonus, I got to meet this really amazing girl named Kat (who also happens to be a best friend of Lauren).

Kat was on tour with Honor Society this fall. On tour. As in living on a tour bus. Have I ever mentioned that living on a tour bus is easily top five on my bucket list? Coolest. Thing. Ever. But I digress, that is not the point here. From everything I can tell, Kat is a picture of John 15:12-13.

My command is this: love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.

This has always been one of those verses I could ponder for hours. I love it. Love it. Perhaps it's because I'm very connected with my friends, or perhaps it's because I know the feeling of putting a friend ahead of myself. I really don't know, it's just one of those things. I just like it.

Meeting Kat has shed an entirely new light on this verse for me. She left behind her home and her family to hit the road with four of her friends. She believed in them when no one else did. She stood behind them when they played for a handful of people, and she was there when they played sold out arenas. She has been there every step of the way, through the good times and bad. The fans love Kat as much as they love they boys in the band. I watched many-a-fan get their picture taken with her right after getting their picture taken with Honor Society.

Is there a better picture of love? She laid down her life. She's given her all to this band, as much as the actual members. Because they are her friends. Because she loves them. Because she believes in them. Because their dreams are her dreams. It's God's commandment, and there really is no greater love.

I Never Knew the Meaning of Christmas

I love Christmas. I love birthdays and I love Jesus so obvi I love Jesus' birthday. Also, I love Christmas music. Like... I really, really, really love Christmas music. My friend Mandy and I tend to listen to it starting in June, if not all year round. So, not surprisingly, I was jamming out to one of my personal favorite Christmas albums (*NSYNC Home for Christmas) when it hit me like a ton of bricks. Why are so many Christmas songs about love? God's love is one thing, but these songs are about human love. I know that love is in the air and all of that stuff but when did that become the focus of the season?

Here is a prime lyrical example: "I never knew the meaning of Christmas, 'til I looked into your eyes." Really? Really JC Chasez and Justin Timberlake? You never knew the meaning of Christmas until you looked into her eyes? Who was she, JESUS? I think not, seeing as he died for YOUR sins on a wooden cross approximately 1,998 years before you released that song. So chances are you didn't look into His eyes and discover the meaning of Christmas. Which leads me to my next point...

What exactly do you people thing the meaning of Christmas is?!? I'm guessing if you found it by looking into some unsuspecting lady's eyes you're not correct in your assumptions. It's true that the meaning of Christmas may differ a little bit for everyone and hold different memories and sentimental value, but I want to start a revolution.

When God sent his one and only begotten son to be born to a virgin in a manger on December 25 he started a revolution. One little revolution. That revolution has been snowballing for 2009 (or so) years. I am lucky enough to have been called to be a part of it. If you are a believer, you've been called too. If you're not then this is your chance. Do something. Make a change. The cool thing is the foundation has been laid. Jesus Christ was already born and already died for our sins. That is a lot of love. That is the reason for the giant celebration that is Christmas. We were given the greatest gift of all, presented as a tiny baby boy. Every year we give gifts and spread the love but are people really getting it? Do they understand why we have all of these traditions in the first place?

I'm not asking for a lot here, folks. I'm asking for one statement. One tiny testament of your faith. As you're walking to class with a friend or chatting it up around the water cooler and someone starts talking about Christmas, that's your moment. Throw out your line. All you have to say is "I love Christmas, it's so wonderful to celebrate the gift of life given to me through Jesus." Or you could go with something more subtle... maybe "Thank goodness for that Inn keeper." You could be witty: "Thank heavens for the gift of heaven." Maybe a little street slang: "Jesus is my homeboy." Whatever you want to say people, just do it. It won't be hard... face it, someone is going to bring up Christmas. You don't have to work for it.

One statement. Easy as pie. Actually, pie could be another seguay... "I love apple pie... remember when Eve ate that apple? Good thing Jesus was born on Christmas and then died for our sins." Be the reminder for everyone else out there. Now, go make some conversation!