Trust You

As I was doing my homework for bible study last night one of the statements struck a chord with me. "Often, the desire to know is in direct opposition to the desire to trust." I read back over and over it countless times, astonished at what I was reading. That one sentence expresses so much of the frustration I have with myself and society in general and explains so much.

I personally find that one of my biggest struggles with my faith is trust. I trust in God. I trust in His will. I trust in His son. I trust in His perfect plan for my life. However, sometimes I negate that trust with my statements. For example: I am the queen of saying things like "I know that God has the perfect husband picked out for me... I just wish I could know who he was, or at least where or when I'll meet him." Now, let's revisit what my bible study said: Often, the desire to know is in direct opposition to the desire to trust. RIGHT?!

So the more I thought about this, the more my eyes were opened. We, as humans, have such a thirst and desire for knowledge. We want to have all of the answers. It's a desire that has been embedded in us since creation. Eve ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil when the serpent told her that it would make her like God: she would know what He knows. (And we all saw how that turned out for her and all of the rest of us.)

However the more I thought about this truth the more evident it became to me that this transcends spirituality. While this desire to know does effect our trust in God, it also effects our trust in people, in events, in everything! Just think about any suspicious person in a relationship: they're willing to "trust" their spouse, but they need to know where they were and what they were doing. Or how we're willing to trust a car to get us somewhere as long as we know how it works and where it was built. Or even something as simple as a recipe: we're willing to trust that all of these ingredients will make a delicious meal if we know what the picture of the result looks like.

I've had enough. I'm frustrated with the fact that "the desire to know is in direct opposition to the desire to trust" is both true and repeatedly evident in my life. So I'm making a change. I'm going to work on living in a blind trust. I will trust friends on their word without needing to know every detail but most of all I will trust God and His plan for my life without asking for hints to how it will all turn away. After all, I never wanted to be the girl who read the last chapter of a book first.

Stand Up

Spring has hit. In a nutshell, this means I have been doing a lot of driving around, windows down, music blaring. My CD of choice this week is Everyday Sunday's debut album which features the song Stand Up. The chorus gets me every time:

I will stand up now, I will not step down. I will do my best to wear this crown.

We have been called to take a stand for our faith. We have been called to reach out to people and share our faith. It seems so simple, right? Then what is stopping us? I think it's fear. Fear of rejection, maybe. Fear of being judged. Fear of people not liking what we have to say.

But rather than fear stopping us, it is fear that should be driving us. Fear of people not knowing our God. Fear of people never hearing the Truth. Fear of people not getting into heaven.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline. So do not be ashamed to testify about our Lord..." 2 Timothy 1: 7-8

Curious

I get to points in my life where I sort of fear this blog. I try to treat it as a vessel for the things untold in life and I get worried. What if I don't have anything good enough to say? What if my words don't matter? What if I am inadequate?

Is it possible to have writer's block if I'm not a writer? Or does the fact that I have things to say and I sometimes publish them in some form or another make me a writer?

I am in my head. I am always in my head. I don't write things in journals because they are better in my mind. I have journals, but the entries are few and far between.

I think everything through. I observe all of the little details. I analyze people's actions and words. I ask questions. When I study with one of my friends she gets frustrated because I ask questions that don't matter, questions of things that we are not being held responsible for. But I want to know. I need to know. I crave to know.

I think that is my point here. Curiosity. God made this unbelievable world for us to live in. It is full of beauty and mystery and complexity. Do you ever wonder why? I do. Daily. I haven't figured it out, obviously, but I have my theories.

He made it so that we could be in awe, of His power and His ingenuity. He made it so that we would need faith, to trust that things will grow and people will live. He made it so that we would think, about how things work and why they exist.

My biology professor often refers to unexpected things in the body as "bad engineering." It makes me question if he believes. Do his questions about why the body was constructed the way it was prevent him from having that child-like faith? It does the opposite for me.

Because if I didn't have all of these questions but instead had all of the answers, why would I believe?

Decisions, Decisions

Excellent decision making is not my best attribute. I'm actually kind of awful at it. It's just so much pressure!

I recently had a pretty important decision to make that definitely will be affecting the rest of my summer and has the potential to affect the rest of my chosen career. Yes, that big. It's one of the hardest things to do, but something, as I am learning more and more every day, that is imperative to the decision making process. You have to let go and let God take over.

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight." —Proverbs 3:5-6

Jumpin' Jumpin'

I jumped off a cliff. Really! My brother says that makes it sound way more intense than it was, but I jumped off of a 40 (ish) foot rock that jutted out above the water. Cliff? I think yes.

What possessed me to do that, you might wonder. It seemed like an excellent idea at the time. It still does. However, you know how they say the third time is a charm? You should probably pay way more attention to that than you currently are.

The first time was terrifying. Looking up at Chimney Rock (that's what it's called) I was pumped. Whilst scaling treacherous (and very slippery) rock facade using only a rope and my brute strength, my excitement level decreased as my altitude increased. By the time I made it to the top and peeked over the edge, I was beginning to doubt not only my decision but also my sanity. But I was still extremely excited. It was not until I took the leap off of the rock that my brain kicked in and told my heart what a freaking idiot it was. The resulting facial expression was one million percent priceless. Sheer terror mixed with the realization that I had just flung myself off of a cliff and gravity was all kinds of on my one hundred (and something) pound side.

The funny thing? I hit the water and decided that I should probably climb right back up and do it again. I'm sorry, what? Yes, I jumped again. And that was it...

for a few days. Then I went back. And jumped again. Every time I tried to concentrate on having a more peaceful expression and every time I failed (though I think I was getting somewhere with my third jump), though no face in the history of ever can measure up to that first countenance. (I'll say it again... it was REDONKULOUS.) Then came the fun part. My fourth jump. I had it figured out. Instead of creeping up to the very edge of the rock (where I had a view of the drop) and jumping, I was going to step and leap so I never fully saw the drop. It was the perfect plan. I was all but guaranteed to have an expression other than that of horror—anything else would do.

So there I was, atop Chimney Rock, three steps back from the edge, preparing myself for what was sure to be my best jump yet. Before I had time to let my brain realize I was doing it again, I step, step... SLIPPED off the edge. Yes, you heard me. My third and final prep step in the perfect jump, the one that would catapult me (nonchalant face in place) into the big blue water below, and my foot slipped. You may be wondering what a foot slip from such a height would cause. Obviously, as evidenced by this post, I did not crash headlong into the side of the cliff. Nope, that was not the case. Something equally terrible did happen though. Two words. BELLY. FLOP.

Which brings me back to my original point. Listen to the people. Third time is a charm. I pushed my luck and went for four. Bad idea. My body parts still aren't fully cooperating with me.

God requires a similar kind of jump from us. A leap of faith. We can't see Him, but we have to trust in Him enough to know that He is here and He is all we will ever need.

Then Jesus told them, “I tell you the truth, if you have faith and don’t doubt, you can do things like this and much more. You can even say to this mountain, ‘May you be lifted up and thrown into the sea,’ and it will happen. You can pray for anything, and if you have faith, you will receive it.” —Matthew 21:21-22

... I just hope when I take my leaps of faith for God I have a much more peaceful countenance than I did upon leaping from Chimney Rock.

Jump

These lyrics are a preface to my post for tomorrow night. If you haven't heard this song by christian rapper Lecrae you should really YouTube this song, Jump.

Its the assurance of things hoped for. Noah built a boat for
Jesus took a beating and his whole body was broke for.
Spoke for. Through it we know who the Word was wrote for.
Abraham had it, matter fact that's what he's known for.
Faith, y'all, through it we were saved by grace
If you got it, we can see it by the way you run the races
That means we can see it on your face
If the faith don't act, then it really ain't faith
And that really ain't the case cuz faith ain't fake
It'll have you try'na act out the Word everyday
Every Christian has faith, its a gift; we should use it
Some distort the view of it and others just abuse it
It can be irrational and make you give your life up
This is for the cause of Christ and not to get a nice truck
Righteous, when you know you gotta trust God
When it seems hard, man, faith is a must have.

Chorus:
You gotta leap y'all (Leap wit it!)
You gotta leap y'all (Leap wit it!)
Take a leap of faith
You gotta leap y'all (Leap wit it!)
Come on jump for now
Jump for me now
Jump jump
Jump for me now
Jump for me now
(2X)
Jump (on 2nd)

Verse 2:
Before you heard "Breath In", "Represent! Get Krunk!"
I was tested in my faith, and I didn't know if I could jump
I was at my 9-to-5 try'na make a couple dimes,
But somethin in my soul was sayin that I had to rhyme.
I was rappin every saturday, teachin on Sunday.
8 A.M. again I'm back to work another Monday.
Man I was hatin it, I wasnt even fakin it,
And then came opportunity, but me, I wasn't takin it.
Show after show came; a couple folks came,
But leavin work to rap was risky like the dope game.
And mama mad at me, she say that it was bad for me
To spend my time in school just to rap, what a tragedy.
A lot of free shows, but I had to pay bills.
Lord, you know I wanna go, but can you show me what you will.
I wasn't chasin rap dreams, wasn't try'na stack green.
God had my back against a wall like a flat screen.
Urgin me to trust, Lord I wanna, but I'm scared to.
Lord, I'm prepared to be broke, just to share you.
So I followed Abraham. I told the Lord to take my hand.
I took a leap of faith, and I ain't never been the same again.

Faint of Heart

I have heard the story a million times. I have read the verse more than once. Yet somehow, this time, it struck a chord in me. That's the beauty of the bible—no matter how many times you read it you will uncover something different based on where you are in your life. It's the gift that never stops giving.

Anyway, I had this revelation and I though it was worth sharing. 

During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"

Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?" (Matthew 14:25-31)

"You of little faith, why did you doubt?" What a powerful, loaded question. Here is what I realized—Jesus is not only talking to Peter. He is talking to all of us. I know that I am the queen of doubting my abilities. If someone offers up a complement I will be the first to deny it. How am I any different from Peter? God has given me talents and I continually doubt them. I am of little faith. 

Think of your life and your god-given talents. Do you doubt the talents that God has so graciously given you? I am going to try to focus on praising God for the wonderful things he has given me rather than doubt him based on my insecurities.